Thought Disorder

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

What's in the head?

I'm not exactly in a good mood now. In fact, I feel irritable and restless. The recent speculations and discussions revolving around my surroundings are really getting on my nerves. They ever so trivial and unimportant but they just piss me off big-time. Just freaking get a life, or no life, in my case. Some people are just awesome liars -.- Seriously...I'll get over this tomorrow, provided that no one talks to me about it, and that I don't accidentally hear loud ramblings in the crowd. A fatal blow to my concentration abilities. Argh.

After sleeping, I'll wake up to a brand new mundane day and I'll forget about my annoyance and I'll get down to working hard for real. FOR. REAL. And I mean it. FOR REAL.

Anyways, I figured that I need approximately 7 to 8 hours of sleep each day to minimise or even to avoid The Great Headache.

11:25 PM

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Crawling

Although prelims are like 40 - 50 days away, I don't seem to have any motivation to study/revise. There's like SO MUCH to do but I just can't seem to find the drive in me to camp at the study table. I know I've to brush up on Econs quite a lot but the thought of having to write many many long essays just turns me off. Gotta start loving this. I'm ever so tired whenever I get home and I'll tend to take a nap or waste time watching TV. Plus the attack of frequent, disturbing headaches that last a few seconds each have been common - I really wonder what's wrong with my head? I was scheduled for a brain scan initially but the doctor reviewed my condition and said it's actually not too serious. Yeah I hope so too. But, WTF is wrong, seriously?

I know the former will expire in 3-4 months but the latter will very well expire on my deathbed, whenever it is. Not looking forward to this......pain in the head.

I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means

(An all-time favourite depicting my shallow emotions)

To hell with the future. It gets rather depressing especially after reading yesterday's scholarship news report. I don't know what I REALLY want and it's a f-ing turning point of my life; I need to decide after prelims (provided I do well) and be even more firm in my decision after A's. All these years I've been blindly guided by my mom's "right" perception. The Singaporean way? I asked my mom why am I studying so hard now, and she said that it's for a better future. Other than making more money to lead a better life, what defines a better future? I'd want better health, for one. $ makes the world go round, but what else?

Actually, the thought of taking A's now is getting less scary and the feeling is getting more real.

After all, A's do not mean the world.

But still, it is the world now. I shall work on my essay...
&I will donate blood soon! And frequently too!

Labels: A's, Headache, Thoughts

11:29 PM

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Disturbing

There has been a person who never fails to disgust me thoroughly of late. Previously I only felt slightly disturbed but such a feeling has multiplied extensively just recently. The feeling I get when I see that person is probably a mixture of repulsion and ludicrousness. I can literally imagine my face to be distorted with that rotten expression! And it becomes even worse when the person talks, either to me or to another person. I know I'm really mean, but I would just explode if such thoughts continue to choke my mind. My days will just be ruined. I need to get over this!!! Or maybe, get used to this. DAMN ANNOYING PLEASE!!!

On a another note, I desperately need to get down to studying!!! I've been having an awesome time slacking the last few days. And plus school is draining all my energy, rendering me enervated by the time I get home, causing me to nap. It's really time to ditch TV and sleep. :( And study, study, study. Sad life.

11:59 PM

Monday, July 20, 2009

School

YAY I cleared all of my CSC homework today, including thesis :D After one over week of shit, finally done with redoing the content. But it's definitely slipshod work with loopholes here and there. Well, at least I managed to squeeze out the skeleton and fill it with meat. Whether the meat is suitable or not, or whether I left out spreading meat at the joints, or whether I spread too much meat on one place will then be answered in the future. Muahaha. I shall worry about that next time!

Sians.

I'm supposed to be studying for the time trial now but.......I'm not. I'm still reeling from the sudden revelation from a few days back that Kim Rae-won is very cute and he acts super naturally! HAHAHA. I'm also very preoccupied with the happenings of SI since I'm 1,2,3...,8 episodes behind. But I watch the previews every week to feed my addiction. If I'm not wrong, it will finally end this weekend. By then, I'll be 10 episodes behind. Yaye. I'm also anticipating tomorrow's episode of Forensic Heroes 2. Ever-exciting!! Right now, I'm also living in self-denial because it doesn't feel like there's school for the next few weeks. I dread revision a lot because it will definitely be crazy!

I SHOULD STOP SLACKING/WATCHING TV!!!

There's going to be an eclipse this Wednesday!!!!! But it's kind of sad that we're not in China to witness this phenomenon. And there's school in the morning so we can't really catch a glimpse of it or watch it on TV live :( I heard that the sun will only be partially blocked from Singapore's view. Quite an interesting sight but it's a pity to be unable to witness the full thing!

It's time for bed but I'll attempt to study for time trial now :( I guess I'll just have to cram tomorrow night and prepare to fail!

Labels: Dramas, School, Thoughts

10:11 PM

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Unwell

GET WELL SOON TO THOSE WHO ARE SICK!!!!!!!

It's really scary to see the people around you fall sick, one by one. I hope I didn't get the virus, be it H1N1 or not. It's quite hard to tell whether I'm down with flu or not because 1. I'm under nasal medication 2. I've a perpetually dry mouth and 3. I've a perpetually dry throat too. Observation needed! But it is really spreading fast... AHHHHH. Shall minimise contact with everyone in school! Shoo away!!!

Or maybe I'll fall sick tomorrow morning, and I can get MC for a week! :)

On the other hand, CSC is killin' me!!! It's probably the only subject which piles essays and case studies onto its students. On top of that, there is still killa thesis. *Delirious* Yee ha.

10:36 PM

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Untitled

累......

I'M FEELING SO TIRED NOW! I CAN'T MOVE MY BRAIN CELLS, NOT EVEN FOR 1 NANOMETER. RIGHT NOW, I'M LOOKING AT MY F-ED UP THESIS AND WONDERING WHY IS IT SO MESSY. I'M ALSO WONDERING WHERE ARE ALL THE PESKY STATS HIDING!!!!

HELLOS, C'MON OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-
Rule of the day:
The higher the expectations, the greater the disappointment.

One shouldn't expect too much, but one should always strive hard to achieve.

Therefore, I MUST STRIVE HARD FOR THESIS, even though I know that I really really really CMI. Ahh.

Additional pep talk by Amelia:

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger

6:58 PM

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Delirium

HAHA. I just received an email that shocked the hair follicles out of my ear. Lol, I kid about the hair follicles part. Super surprised!!!!!!! :O :O :O Well, I'm still recovering from the shock. But at least for now I know I won't fail GP overall because the comprehension was really screwed up big time. We'll see tomorrow...

If such luck was diverted to my health problems, MY WORLD WOULD BE SUCH A GOOD PLACE TO LIVE IN, aside from being no life. All I want is good health, good health and good health. Nothing beats this alright!!!

Ugh anyway I think being at home for too long really catalysed my rate of degeneration. I really hate HBL to the max, apart from being able to stay at home to recuperate my irritating ear and head, but they don't seem to be recovering. Over the last few days, I really felt super depressed about my ear blockage -_- WTF is happening, seriously? It's really different from the normal ear blockage I often get, and the normal ear blockage will just disappear on its own after a few hours. Anyway, the NNI appointment is coming right up, so let's see what happens again? Really tired of these annoying problems which don't seem to go away! I really can't perform well under these conditions. Good luck to me for the A Levels. All I can do is to PRAY LIKE SHIT that these problems won't surface when the real thing comes.

Really hate my dysfunctional body big time. I had probably did it wrong in my last life to deserve such annoying problems now. Perhaps if I survive till after university, and if I get a good job which earns big bucks, I'll just consult some private specialist who can take concrete steps towards curing the root of my problem(s).

I spent my last few days doing the assignments from HBL. Because I didn't touch a single CSC assignment during the holidays, and didn't touch thesis at all, I'd to utilise the HBL holidays well to quickly complete these annoying work. I really had a fantastic time doing CSC homework. When I was doing my 2nd case study, I realised that I did the wrong one, which got me really pissed off since case studies are so tedious and they take a lot of time to complete -_- And the funniest thing is that Zhiqian already told me after Econs paper that she did the wrong case study. I was still thinking about it when I was doing mine, and then I realised that I also did the wrong one too!!! What's wrong with us? So I'd to grit my teeth in order to start the actual case study on a fresh piece of foolscap paper. What an exhausting process, I swear. Now, I'm disturbed, probably disgusted, by the fact that there's still one more essay waiting for me to complete. Gross!

And thesis! Really screwed big time.......................HAHAHA. Delirious. I ought to channel more time each day to doing one section at a time. That day when I was scouting through my books and the Internet for relevant statistics, I got so fed up because I couldn't find anything. So I gave up and went to do something else. -.-

My life really sucks, huh.

*GRITS TEETH*

1:27 PM

Thursday, July 09, 2009

1000th

My health always seems to be in a mess. Recently, there's this perception that my right ear is blocked all the time. This sensation is different from the ear blockage in the same ear I've experienced for a few years. That kind of ear blockage only occurs sometimes especially in the morning and when I exercise. The one I'm experiencing now feels like there's something blocking the sound from penetrating totally into that ear. It's a horrible feeling :( My dad says I'm just imagining it. I thought it could be due to the accumulation of ear wax and went to visit the doctor so I could get washing. The most irritating thing is that my ears are actually clean and there isn't any ear wax blocking my hearing.

So WTF is wrong?

Am I becoming deaf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTH.

12:48 PM

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Common Tests

Econs P1 on Tuesday!!! I'M SCREWED but I'm not doing anything to help alleviate this feeling :( For the past 2 days, I've been slacking, slacking and slacking like CTs are totally over! Slacking is really becoming an addiction to me. Tomorrow is my last day to finally do last minute studying for 17 freaking topics -.- I'm sure I'll survive, huh. Or try to smoke my way out for the actual paper, as emulated from CSC hahaha.

Even after Econs on Tuesday, I'll still have my hands filled with work, and dramas to watch, heehee. School has (FINALLY!) decided that we should well forgo learning fest and sports carnival as health is of utmost importance. Therefore, there's technically 1 more week of holiday because tomorrow is Youth Day and uh, Econs on Tues should only take 2-3 hours in the morning. Yay! I was literally jumping for joy when I learnt that we have E-learning at home instead of going to school for post-exam activities. Wise decision! :)

After Econs, I predict I'll go home and 1. take a nap, 2. watch SI hahaha and 3. ATTEMPT to do lunwen or find some useful stats or at least do the freaking outline again. I was telling FT that if I get a B or less for CSC A Levels, I will not be too surprised as my lunwen portion is definitely screwed and I also know that ZH hates me because I often look dead/listless during lessons. Lessons are extremely boring that's why. I think listening to the sounds of the rain outside or even the whirling of the ceiling fans in the classroom would be a much more interesting activity. I also had a bad dream with ZH being the protagonist during the holidays. She told me to look for her for consultation soon. At that time I was thinking, wtf I haven't even touched lunwen, ffff dead please. Okay, actually if I review the rate I'm going at, it's really high-time to prioritise and just ignore revision/e-learning/CSC holiday homework/dramas. LOL.

I should just focus on studying Econs and ignore any other distractions.

LOL I just watched the preview for episode 22. It's super good!!! AFTER ECONS I WILL CHIONG HOME TO WATCH. -_- So much for wanting to be hardworking and do lunwen.

9:12 PM

Thursday, July 02, 2009

COMMON TESTS

I CAN'T BELIEVE I SURVIVED...................................................

CSC!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm such a master for not really studying for it, but still capable of squeezing out sufficient points to form an incoherent essay. I thank myself for not studying so hard for the exam because the technical topics weren't even tested in the exam. Hahaha!!!!!! *Glee* Just now in the morning, I crawled up at 8AM to 'study' but eventually got distracted by thoughts like 'this is really boring', 'i'm so dead pls, someone pls just shoot me now' and 'i can slack after 5.30PM later! woohoo!'

Thank God I did not push myself too hard - I may just fall off the cliff into migraine valley. Cheers to generic points too :D Technical topics are seriously as dry as the Sahara desert! I've always struggled to understand these topics. Why do they exist in real life! I mean like, in a real freaking country that is so undeniably strong now?! They're just out to make my life difficult, and sleepy.

But still, I have to face them again in a few weeks' time during prelims and worse, A's. WHAT THE HELL #$^#%^%@#^%

The funniest thing is that I was 0.01 degree celcius away from the trigger temperature of 37.6 during the afternoon temperature taking exercise. 37.59!!! I almost got to miss the CSC paper!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAH

BUT I DID NOT.

Because I was still considered to be under the trigger temperature.

It's probably a good thing since I got it over and done with. During the third essay, I was utterly enervated and almost wanted to give up. The sunlight was also shining directly onto my table which made me very annoyed. And worst, heavy and clogged up head! Ugh, bad feeling.

I survived, still! Didn't die from the headache after so long either.

Even though there's still Econs P1 next week, it feels like CTs are over and the exam mode is gone. Well, there probably wasn't any exam mode to begin with. Plagued with migraine problems everyday, it's really tough to be able to concentrate during every exam. After an exam, my head never fails to feel heavy and clogged up, and it'll only clear when I get onto the bus and rest my brain cells or after I get home and take a cold, relaxing shower. In this condition, it's just impossible for me to enter exam mode, which is a good thing? Or bad?

Therefore, CTs on hindsight was messy. Ahh Math, I'm definitely bound to do badly. Really disappointed in myself, but not particularly upset or affected this time because I know I deserve this for the amount of work I've put in, especially for stats and complex numbers. I did Chem MCQ with a totally blank mind as I'd a freaking migraine attack during the break after Econs and before Chem, and popped a painkiller to kill the pain. It probably only started to take effect during P2 when I started to become more lucid towards the end. My hand was also aching from the crazy writing for Econs in the morning. Hurhur. I'm a genuine winner. Going to pwnz everyone.

But my orange small little painkiller is really wonderous! It's really strong in killing the pain, it just doesn't solve the root of the problem. 治标不治本!

In order to relax, I must sleep >10 hours tonight! As a reward for surviving CTs, even though they're not over yet.

11:00 PM

About

Felicia studied in Dunman High School, loves elmo, is a major drama addict and is a cake lover. She has quit coffee even though she loves it.